Lament the Twilight

Lament the Twilight
Hello.

Considering this is my first entry I’ll say a few things about myself.

† Basic Information †
My name is Kristen Flores. I’m 16 & live in Texas in a city where once you’ve done everything there is nothing left but reminders of the dreams you can’t seem to grasp. I long to leave this place & go somewhere far, far away. At the moment I don’t care where so long as I get there. This city is so empty, yet, ironically, I’m constantly being crushed by the burden of it.

† Main Hobbies †
Art is my first love & mostly likely will be my only one, sadly. I want to be a great artist. I want to be the type that people can recognize just by the art. Where they say often “That’s amazing! How did she do that?” I’m far from that level. Seeing people who are already there… it’s depressing. I know there will always be people who are much better then myself, but that doesn’t make the fact any easier to swallow. It doesn’t mean I’ll give up of course. Only by working hard will I reach the level of expertise I long for. My second passion is writing. Though, I’ve never finished any of my stories, at least not the 5+ chapters ones, I love writing poems & songs. I’m not very good, but it helps me cope.

† Friends †
My friends are my reason. They are what helps me wake up every morning, not thinking it would have been best to never wake at all, most of the time. They are my foundation that keeps me from being beaten to death by the storms that encase our lives. They are my precious angels from heaven that I keep close to my heart. My lovelies. My saviors. My everything.

† Past & Present †
My past has many things. Pain. Happiness. Loneliness. Love. Heartbreak. It’s all there. Kind of like a novel no one wants to read. I’ve reached the peak of utmost joy & have fallen below the points of eternal sorrow. I have submitted humbly to the will of others & have shouted in defiance against the gods. I’ve been all too simple yet utterly complicated. I’ve had everything & practically nothing.

There are many people in this world that have it so much worse then I. Knowing this, I am grateful for my blessings even if they are few & far between many times. My family loves me & I them, even if they are, all too often, the reason I have trouble dealing with this world & all it’s desolation. They are loud, angry, & insanely frustrating, but they are mine. I could always never have them at all. I’m glad they’re here.

As I child I was very lonely. I never realized just how lonely. In fact, I don’t think I even knew I was. When you’re so small I don’t think you understand that concept too clearly. I didn’t have a single friend. I mean I had people who said they were my friends, but as I child I didn’t know the true meaning of the word. I’d sit alone, outside, by a tree. I’d be there everyday. The teachers, at first, worried about me, but after a week or two they just ignored me like you would the person in class that just refuses to talk. I’d take walks by myself. I didn’t mind. If anything I liked it. Being alone I mean. I still do very often. It lets me think & clear my head. Back then I think it’s because, even then, I hated kids. They are all too annoying.

It wasn’t until sixth grade that I actually made an attempt to have real friends. Needless to say, I failed horribly. Seventh wasn’t any better. Eighth was where I found my first real friends that I still know today. I love them very much. Lately though, I’ve been ignoring them more then I meant to, not that I meant to at all in the first place. It’s an awful feeling when you realize the most important people in your life have been being subconsciously ignored. I’m doing my best to make up for it. The reason they were being ignored was I’ve made some new friends. I know that sounds cruel & it is. These new friends were the first to try & be my friends outside of school. The whole “lets go to the movies this weekend” thing really got me. I love them all so much.

It’s not just friends I know in person that keep me going. I have many friends online. A few of them I’ve even known just after the fifth grade. It can even be said they were, in all truth, my first real friends. I know I can always count on them to make me smile when I’m sad, that is if I even tell them to begin with. I don’t tell them many times because I don’t want to bother them with my problems or I know that telling them would in turn make them sad. I don’t like making people sad on my account. I hope that someday I can do something grand for them to show just how much I appreciate them. Hopefully someday…

† End †
I should stop writing now. That’s long enough, yes? ( > < );
I write too much. Thing is when I get going I don’t stop until I slam into a brick wall. The wall = realizing just how damn much I’ve written. I’ll try my best not to write so much. I’ll try to keep my entries short or at least shorter then this one. I’m still writing more... I should be ashamed...in fact I think I will.

"Ice Spirit"
~Kristen
"All that we see or seem... is nothing... but a dream within a dream." -Edgar Allen Poe

Current Mood: "Why do I feel so numb?"